The Ultimate Opening of the Heart

by christie, honoring health on November 15, 2009

Yesterday was the five year anniversary of my brothers passing and I was nervous about what the day would bring. I had to drive down to Virginia Beach for my training session that also included the ever fretted sanskrit test. I was nervous that I would crumble into a puddle of tears and not be able to function, let alone pass an intense test. I lifted my mood by creating a wonderful bowl of oats to fuel me up for what I anticipated would be a really long day. I decided to go with the thanksgiving theme and just be thankful for the years that I had with my brother and for the sanctuary of my yoga practice. I made the (gluten free) oats with pumpkin, almond milk, cake spice and almond butter and topped it off with a huge glob of cranberry sauce. It was mighty filling and I intentionally overate a bit. I knew I wouldn’t be eating again for about six hours and needed extra staying power.

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A couple hours later, I arrived at Oceanfront Yoga and felt ready to face whatever might be ahead. We started with a raja yoga practice that lasted about 90 minutes, it was hard to say the least. I had my first attempt at working towards Eka Pada Koundinyasana II (i.e. the hardest arm balance ever), needless to say, I could barely even get my knee under my shoulder, let alone lift my whole body up into the full expression of the pose.  Despite not being able to do all of the asana in the class, I was proud for working on such challenging poses and felt ready to face the rest of the training which focused on backbends.

I was afraid that my heart would feel closed and that I wouldn’t be able to open up but the most beautiful thing happened. I accomplished every pose we worked on and even made my way into the full expression of camel. My heart never felt as open as it did in those moments overlooking the ocean. And then, came the moment I was most dreading besides the test.

The teacher asked “Can you do urdhva dhanurasana?”

I quietly answered that I could with blocks at the wall and we proceeded to break the pose down moment by moment. Little did I know, my practice was about to change and my heart would feel an openness that I never thought possible.  Connie, the teacher, told me to spread my arms wider and to push onto the crown of my head. I pushed and I went completely up into wheel as if I had been practicing it for months. I let a “whoa” out and every one turned to look at me.

Connie said “You weren’t expecting that, were you”.

I tucked my chin and slowly came down and said that I wasn’t expecting that at all. We launched into a conversation about modifications and that there really are no hard an fast rules. For me, my arms are a little wider out whereas last week, it was with blocks at the wall.

Then she said what I was hoping she would say. “Ok, Christie, do it again”.

And I did.

Minutes later, I was taking my sanskrit test and I whizzed through it as if I had been speaking it forever. I even knew names of poses that we hadn’t broken down or even mentioned. I was on cloud nine. I left the studio and headed over to Peace, Love and Balance, a yoga shop within a few miles of the studio, because I was in desparate need of  a new yoga mat. And, an amazing thing happened besides ordering  the most awesome yoga mat and knee pad, four new people walked into my circle some of which would seem unlikely. My heart was open and I felt joyful about my new found friends.

By the time I left Virginia Beach, the sun was starting to set and I was ready to go home. On the way home, I cried. I wept for my brother but my tears were clean and pure. The anger was gone and I felt at peace.

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Guest Post: The Anorexic Yogini by Erica Rivera

by christie, honoring health on November 13, 2009

I was recently contacted by Melissa at the Penguin Publishing group to receive a copy of the book Insatiable: A Young Mother’s Struggle with Anorexia written by Erica Rivera. The book tells the gripping story of her battle with anorexia and though we don’t share the same disorder, I could relate to so many of her struggles. Erica is a courageous and compelling author for sharing the guts of her journey and I am honored to have her write a guest post here. Erica, thank you for sharing a part of your story here, from one recovering yogini to another, Namaste.

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“What brought you to yoga?” my new guru, Aaron, asks at the start of our first private session.

Aaron looks like the stereotypical yogi: short and slim, but solid. His hair is excusably unkempt, as though he’d just dismounted from a handstand. A single line of facial hair divides his chin in half and gold hoops dangle in each ear lobe.

“This might sound odd,” I say.  “But I have an inexplicable urge to get very quiet.”

Though I’m doubtful that headstands can heal, that striking Warrior Pose can make me stronger, or that twisting myself into a pretzel can release years of psychological buildup, I’m ready to give yoga a try if it means maintaining the peaceful state of mind I discovered while on a recent retreat to Taos, New Mexico.

“So why not take a class?” he asks.

“I don’t like group activities,” I reply, imagining my forehead branded with the warning:  Does not play well with others.

What I don’t say is that I’m embarrassed by my body.  After a two-year battle with anorexia, I’m regaining weight and still uncomfortable with my softer shape.  I feel unsteady and awkward, as though I were wearing a foam sheath over my once skeletal frame.

Aaron starts with the basics by demonstrating a belly breath.  His stomach expands, his ribs protrude and his chest lifts.  He looks like a Robin preparing to mate.

“Can you see that?” he asks.

I stare at him, aghast, and nod.

“Now you try,” he says.

I do.  The rush of air is like an elixir that extinguishes the unrelenting ache inside.  I feel so full of breath I think I might burst.  No wonder I’ve felt so stressed—my body’s been in a state of oxygen deprivation!

Aaron and I continue with a series of exercises reminiscent of grade-school games:  we rub palms together and feel the tingling current of energy between them.  We fold into Child’s Pose; blood rushes to my brain, my ears fill with pressure, and light shimmers behind my eyelids.  We stand in Tree Pose, facing one another.  My skin flushes when our eyes meet.

“I have to look at your body,” Aaron says.  “For positioning purposes.  Are you ok with that?”

“Yes,” I say.  No, I think.  My tank-top is riding up, my stretch marks are shining in the sunlight, and the strings of my yellow thong are rising out of my pants like the golden arches of McDonald’s.

But the longer I balance, the more balanced I feel.  I become the tree:  tall, confident, centered, and completely calm.

Aaron demonstrates Bridge pose.  I try to imitate by levitating my pelvis and tightening my glutes, but I don’t feel a thing.

“I’m going to adjust you,” Aaron says.  He flips my hands over, taps my lower back up and presses my knees together.

“Do you feel that?” he asks.

My body snaps into place.  Heat rushes through me like a flame.  My back stretches and my entire torso expands like a balloon.

“Oh, yeah…” I moan.  I take three massive, cleansing breaths.

“Like brushing your teeth, isn’t it?”

~

“I’ve been meaning to tell you,” my step-father says one night after dinner.  “The past two weeks you’ve looked…” he searches for the right word as he gives me a hard shoulder squeeze.  “Better.”

“That’s weird,” I say.  “Because I feel worse.”

Later I reflect on my response and revise it in my mind.  No, I don’t feel worse; I feel more.  More sadness, yes, but a sharper sense of joy, too.  After a stint on the mat, I experience every sensation with a novel, delicious depth.  I feel lighter and tighter.  Free.

~

Almost three years have passed since that first lesson in asana.  Now I practice yoga daily, both in group classes and on my own.  Even on my busiest days, I make sure to strike a pose even if it’s only five minutes before bed.  Yoga time is sacred; an opportunity to check in with my body, release emotional toxicity, and invite positive energy into my life.  My yoga practice helped me make peace with my figure, taught me how to be mindful in every moment and made me a more patient parent to my two daughters.

Thanks to yoga, I finally feel at “om” in my body.

~

Erica Rivera is the author of Insatiable: A Young Mother’s Struggle with Anorexia, now available in bookstores everywhere!  Visit her website at http://www.ericarivera.net for reviews, interview videos, and author blog.

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Full Circle

by christie, honoring health on November 12, 2009

A number of months ago, I wrote about my desire for deep and meaningful friendships in my life. Little did I know that in a matter of a couple of months, I would feel fulfilled in a way that I never thought possible. The truth is, at the time, I didn’t really know what I was looking for, I only knew that something was missing. I have the world’s most wonderful husband, a couple of true friends that I have had for years and years, a couple of new friends that are building into lifelong friendships, I even have fulfilling work relationships. But still, something was missing. I deeply desired a circle of friends that would enrich my life with spirituality and emotional connection. Through my yogi friends, I have found that.

Yesterday, I went to an O’dark thirty yoga class and the challenge it provoked in me was unbearable. The class is at Solid Ground Yoga and is taught by Traysi. Traysi is known for her intense style and the memory of Arlene seeps out of every pore in her body. The first class that I took with her was so intense that it brought tears to my eyes and it left me afraid to practice with her again. After some thought, the reason I was afraid was because I know that by practicing with her, I can take my physical, my emotional and my spiritual practice to the next level. I felt that connection with her from the moment I laid eyes on her and yesterday, I was ready to embrace it.

I arrived to the class just a couple of minutes before it started and “my spot” was already taken. I placed my mat where I could and right away, I knew it wasn’t going to be pretty. The lady next to me was wearing perfume and too much of it. With each breath I took, it burned into my sinus’ eventually leading me to feel head achy and nauseas. We were holding poses for what felt like an eternity and each time Traysi instructed us to inhale, my brain told me to run. I envisioned myself sprinting through the doors and gasping for air. By the end, I felt as if I couldn’t physically go on. I felt aggravated, angry and sick. Why would one wear perfume to yoga at 5:45 am? Did she not know that she was ruining my yoga?

As with all other things in life, I knew that this class was burned into my mind for reasons I didn’t understand at the time. I wanted someone to feel compassion for my struggle and I needed understanding. I decided to write to Traysi and what unfolded with her response was beautiful. I opened up to her, I told her about my fears, that connection I felt towards her and of course, the perfume. She opened up to me, too, and made me feel at ease. Later in the day, I received another beautiful email from Deb expressing her heart and a blog comment from Linda.  I opened my heart and my circle was forming around me. I think I was in that perfume infused class for a couple of reasons. It proved to me that I have strength and courage, it taught me to have patience and to send love instead to judge. But most of all, it taught me that once you open your heart and allow love in, it will all come full circle.

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Annie to the Rescue

by christie, honoring health on November 11, 2009

You guys are probably going to get sick of my Annie’s gluten free mac n cheese concoctions but hey, what can I say. They are quick, easy and tasty! Last night, the dear husband and I had to run some errands after work and I had a number of things to do once home so quick and easy was just what we needed. I made a quick sauce with marinara and browned grass fed ground beef. Mix it all together and you have Chef Boy R’ Annie. :) Certainly not the most dignified meal but it sure was delicious.

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For some reason, I had trouble sleeping last night and had to get up uber early this morning. I am a bit tired today but need to try to be as productive as possible at work. The weather is pretty blah but I’m going to make the most of the day anyway :) Happy Hump Day, everyone!

What is your favorite quick and easy meal? Do you make “concoction” type meals?

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Letting go of “Home”

November 10, 2009

Yoga was nothing short of amazing last night. Each time I walk through the doors at Solid Ground Yoga, I know that change will happen and last night was no different. I often feel guilty about abandoning my original yoga “home”, Journey Home Yoga, but last night, I felt affirmed in my decision and knew [...]

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Weekend Baking

November 9, 2009

Yesterday, I had the urge to bake. I wanted to make something with pumpkin and almond flour but something other than my pumpkin chocolate chip muffins. I started measuring, mixing and stirring with the intentions of making pumpkin bread only to find that I did not have a loaf pan. Well, I have a loaf [...]

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Gentle Yo-Gah

November 6, 2009

Last night, I went to a hatha flow class and it was just what I needed. Since my first vinyasa class almost two years ago, it has been my preferred style and anything slow paced made me cranky. I never really appreciated just sitting with my breath in a gentle pose but that has quickly [...]

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Gourmet All the Way

November 5, 2009

Last night, it was another one of those rare instances that I was able to come straight home from work, I didn’t even stop at Walgreens this time The dear husband was at school and I needed to study so the last thing on my mind was preparing a fancy meal. I reached [...]

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Anger on the Mat

November 4, 2009

One of the reasons I love yoga is because of the way it connects me to my inner most self. My true, sensitive feeling nature. For most of my life, I have been brainwashed into believing that feelings are bad and that one must keep how they feel inside. Even today, certain people still try [...]

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Creamy Pork with Mushrooms and Brown Rice Recipe

November 3, 2009

This recipe is one of those down home, not that pretty, but surely hits the spot kind of recipes.  The best part is that it is super easy and cooks in your crock pot while you are doing other things. For those following a gluten free diet, be sure that your brand of soup is [...]

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