My Story

My first memory from childhood is of my father forcing me to eat beans and rice smothered in black pepper. We were very poor and food was scarce. I’m not sure if that is why he made me eat them but he did and I will never forget it.

Since then, I have struggled with food and binge eating disorder. As a young girl, I hid cake frosting in my room and indulged in my first binges. My father was an abusive alcoholic; food was my way of escaping it all. As the years past, I dabbled in other unhealthy ways of coping but found my way back to food in my mid twenties and since then, have been struggling with my weight.

At my highest weight, I was 220lbs. At the time, fast food and Ben and Jerry’s were my best friends. I was married to my first husband and our relationship was terrible. I married him out of spite towards my parents; he was a drug addict loser. The marriage was miserable and I drowned my sorrows in snickers bars and chicken wings. When we finally separated, I realized that I had “let myself go”.  My size 24 pants were on the verge of being too small and my love affair with dieting began.

Through the years, I tried them all. Diets, pills, you name it, I tried it. Though I hesitate to call it success, I was most successful at the Weight Watchers Core Program. Through learning to eat “healthy”, I made my way down to 143lbs. I was running about 25 to 30 miles per week and was in the best shape of my life. I met the love of my life (my DH) and right around the same time accidentally stumbled upon the concept of intuitive eating. My life was stable, I was in love and I felt like it was time to do it on my own. I was over dieting.

One of the first concepts of the book, Intuitive Eating was to stop using food as a coping skill and to get to the bottom of the real issues. Until then, I was blissfully unaware that I had issues. Sure, I knew  I was abused as a child, that I had I lost my brother in a terrible car accident and I had made a number of mistakes. I just never realized I was stuffing all of them down with food. It was suggested by a friend that I keep a food mood journal and that is when I realized I was an emotional eater. But instead of getting better, things got worse. I started therapy and I began to binge more than I ever had. All of that baggage was literally weighing me down. I binged most days all under the cloak of learning to eat intuitively. I was getting in touch with the reasons I ate but I didn’t stop eating.

Suddenly, I was 40lbs heavier and had a breakthrough moment in therapy. My therapist recommended that I join an eating disorders therapy group and my life changed. For a few months, I was hyper focused on my “stuff”. I started seeing an RD, changed therapists and started learning new coping skills. When the group ended, I felt like a new person. I had a fresh new outlook and I was ready to take on the world.  I still battle with disordered thoughts but have been trying my best to not give in to them.  Through intuitive eating, I have healed my relationship with food and I have no doubts that this is the life that I want to lead.

I can finally say that I am in the stage of intuitive eating that honoring my health doesn’t mean dieting or deprivation. I’m honoring my health in ways I never thought possible and am even starting to lose weight without effort. My hunger and fullness signals are really clear and most of the time, I honor my emotions by dealing with them instead of using food to cope. This has been an amazing ride and I hope you enjoy reading more about my journey.

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