A few weeks ago, one of the speakers at my school was Debbie Ford and I really dug what she had to say. For those of you who don’t know who she is, Debbie Ford is an author and speaker who’s mission it is to make you think.
I really like that about her ;)
In this particular lecture, she talked about embracing our “shadow” selves and living your best life by really just being who you are; the good, the bad and the ugly. This means taking a long hard look at the things we do, the behaviors we have and examining the qualities we tend to hide from others or view as negative. And for those qualities that we try to pretend aren’t there or feel ashamed of, we have to figure out what it is about that quality we dislike so much and figure out how it can work for us. She believes that when we are really expressing our whole selves, we can shine and that by being authentic, we can live the life we truly want.
One of the things that struck me most about the lecture was her perspective of being judgmental and why we hate that quality in others so much. She says the reason we hate people being judgmental is because it shines light on that aspect of our own personality. We are human and humans are judgmental.
I mean, really, can you honestly say you have never judged someone?
I know I have.
All the time.
Without even meaning to.
The thoughts pop up and before I even realize it, I am passing judgment on someone and most of the time I don’t actually know anything about the situation or person I am judging. And Debbie Ford is right. I’ve always hated judgmental people and I’ve always beaten myself for being the same.
And recently, it all made sense.
I was at the grocery store buying fruit. I got to the counter with my canvas bags and load my groceries onto the belt. My order is rung and she gives me the total which is around $25.00.
I don’t have my wallet.
Crap.
I do have my checkbook because I’m a 90′s girl like that. So, I start writing out my check and she tells me I’m going to need ID.
You know the one in my wallet?
I tell her that I have no ID as the line behind me is building up. I can feel their eyes burning holes into the back of my shirt. She calls a manager. My face is bright red. The manager comes over, looks at me as if I have committed some sort of felony right there in Kroger and tells me that she can’t accept my check without ID. So, I dump my peaches out of their organic cotton produce bags, push the cute sprite melons to the side and tell them that I can’t buy the groceries. I was so embarrassed.
I left in tears.
I know it was my own fault for not getting my wallet out of my other bag but that feeling of judgment washed over me and I couldn’t make it stop. And then suddenly, my mind flashed to the times I have been behind someone in line at the grocery store and I’ve judged them for not being able to pay or otherwise holding up the line. I’ve been annoyed at the inconvenience and I’ve made assumptions about them without knowing anything about them.
I’ve judged them.
And thinking about how those people probably felt similar to me in those same moments made me realize that while we do pass judgments about people, whether we consider ourselves judgmental or not, we have to turn that judgment into something good.
In this case, that would be compassion for the guy in front of me at the grocery store. Maybe he just left his wallet at home, too.
No one likes to feel judged and I’d venture to say that most people don’t like being judgmental.
But on both fronts, we are.
How could you use being judgmental to your advantage?
I have been trying to be less judgemental over the past couple of months. When I judge something in my head I try to follow it with a positive comment and I really have found the judgements are coming less. I do think that it’s important to make it into something positive or learn from a situation, just like you did. It’s so easy to pass judgement and not think about where that person is coming from or going through. Great post Christie.
Being judgmental is such a funny thing. I often find that the people who criticize judgmental behaviour are the most judgmental ones. Every time I feel myself being judgmental I try to remember this poem/email, which was passed on by a friend (it’s long but worth the read!):
The Cookie Thief
By Valerie Cox
A woman was waiting at an airport one night,
With several long hours before her flight.
She hunted for a book in the airport shops.
Bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop.
She was engrossed in her book but happened to see,
That the man sitting beside her, as bold as could be.
Grabbed a cookie or two from the bag in between,
Which she tried to ignore to avoid a scene.
So she munched the cookies and watched the clock,
As the gutsy cookie thief diminished her stock.
She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by,
Thinking, ‘If I wasn’t so nice, I would blacken his eye.’
With each cookie she took, he took one too,
When only one was left, she wondered what he would do.
With a smile on his face, and a nervous laugh,
He took the last cookie and broke it in half.
He offered her half, as he ate the other,
She snatched it from him and thought… oooh, brother.
This guy has some nerve and he’s also rude,
Why he didn’t even show any gratitude!
She had never known when she had been so galled,
And sighed with relief when her flight was called.
She gathered her belongings and headed to the gate,
Refusing to look back at the thieving ingrate.
She boarded the plane, and sank in her seat,
Then she sought her book, which was almost complete.
As she reached in her baggage, she gasped with surprise,
There was her bag of cookies, in front of her eyes.
If mine are here, she moaned in despair,
The others were his, and he tried to share.
Too late to apologize, she realized with grief,
That she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
How many times in our lives, have we absolutely known
that something was a certain way, only to discover
later that what we believed to be true … was not?
Think about this poem as you move through
the week. Intend to have an OPEN mind. Be ready
for anything. Be ready for miracles!
CREATE an abundant week. You deserve it.
That is awesome and oh so true. Thank you for sharing!
Isn’t that the best!? Thank you for posting this. I heard this poem while listening to a very very good Wayne Dyer tape. Loved it then and love it now. I’ts a perfect example of how we can get caught up and also quite lost in the world of judgement. I think that once we “see” that we are judging we can start to make the change towards not being so judgemental. Thank you it was a great reminder.
I also love the suggestion in the first post of thinking something kind whenever a judgemental thought comes to mind!
Thanks again!
Loved this post! So true. It’s so hard not to judge. I think the first step is if you realize you’re judging someone, think of alternatives for the situation: oh maybe they lost their wallet, etc. Great reminder that we don’t know what other people are going through unless we can step into their shoes.
i totally struggle with judgment all the time…and i try to catch myself in the moment, but there are definitely times that i have to go to the person and own up for being wrong.
I do try so hard to remind myself I don’t know what it’s like to walk in somebody else’s shoes and try to turn negative thoughts around when they pop up.
But while I really try to work on being non-judgemental I’m honestly not sure if people are really capable of reaching a completely non-judgemental place. I think part of it is in the way our brains work, absorb information and have been programmed. I think most of us would be horrified if our thoughts were known at times.
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I love this post. I really really love it.
“No one likes to feel judged and I’d venture to say that most people don’t like being judgemental.”
That is so true, and what a spiral of negativity that becomes. I beat myself up and judge myself, then judge others, then judge myself some more. Thank you for this. Lots to think about.
Lola x
Lola Snow´s last blog ..Enough about him- more about you
I would think judgmental thoughts would help highlight the areas we need to work on when it comes to accepting ourselves. For example, if I have a negative thought about a patron’s hair, what that really means is that I’m feeling insecure about my bad hair day and am trying to distract myself by focusing needlessly on a stranger’s perceived physical flaw. If I catch the thought I can focus on it and use the moment to change the thought from judgmental to positive.
So true. I hold myself to obscenely high standards of perfection, so I often have to check myself when I hold other people to the same standards since I *know* they’re not even attainable for me most of the time. This past week I really noticed my mom’s comments about people, too. She always harshly points out when other people are fat and eating unhealthy food… then goes home and scoops up a bowl of ice cream and complains that she isn’t as thin as she used to be.
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I come from a long line of judgmental women and I now realize that these women, as was I, are hardest on themselves. I find that the more compassion I am able to have for myself, the easier it is to have compassion for them and for others. I still judge sometimes but find myself self-correcting much more quickly when I do. And when I find myself being critical (in fact I was doing so this morning), I do realize that it’s often for something I do myself.
I also wanted to point out that being judgmental in a more pure sense is an important skill/trait to have in terms of self-preservation. Making judgments is natural and necessary.
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Whenever I’m starting to feel annoyed by long lines or people taking a long time to do something, I think of my Grandma. And I think, “How would I want someone to treat her if she was being slow writing her check?”, etc. I also try to remember that I’m not in a hurry, and getting irritated at people who can’t control a situation (other shoppers, cashiers) is just going to make me feel worse, not make things go more quickly.
I try to use these techniques when I find myself getting angry at strangers, because I’m sure that I (or someone I love) have done similar things without meaning any harm. I think I’m naturally inclined to be a judgmental person, but I try really hard to break out of those thought patterns because those thoughts can really eat away at you without you realizing it.
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You are so right. I find myself judging what other people buy at the grocery store, especially if they have children with them and everything in their cart is processed. Not one fresh item. I’ve even found myself giving them purposefull looks and unloading my groceries so they can see all my fresh produce and organic items I am getting. I should stop and say to myself that maybe they lack knowledge of nutrition….but how could I use this to my advantage? Hmm…that is a tough one.
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