I’ve decided to join in on the Fitarella (her site is down for maintenance at this time) What if Wednesday bandwagon because there are many things I hold myself back from with the what if. The premise of what if Wednesday is to actually do the things that you hold yourself back from and the thing that is weighing heaviest on my heart right now is my yoga practice. I haven’t been practicing. At least not with any regularity. I even started my new yoga blog with the intent of writing more about my practice and abandoned the blog rather quickly. Why, well, I think for a couple of reasons.
For one, I intended the blog to be about developing my home practice and somehow, I got this idea that it needed to be educational and not about me. And secondly, because I’ve been feeling kind of stuck since I left my job to be a full time blogger and health and wellness coach. I am having a really hard time with my schedule, figuring out the right time to do what. And though my self care has been better since leaving, it hasn’t been where I always envisioned it would be. I’ve been walking some and doing a little yoga and meditation but not like I want to.
So what is holding me back from this thing that I really want?
Fear.
Yep.
Fear.
And why would I be afraid of my yoga practice?
The very reason I am drawn to yoga is the very thing that is pushing me away from it and these past couple of weeks have really put me in touch with that. Before, I was working 40+ hours a week, commuting 36 miles each way, running errands, making food, blogging and trying to maintain some semblance of a life. Practicing yoga everyday was hard from the time perspective and that was my go to excuse for not doing it.
But what is my reason now?
I am in charge of my schedule now. I work when I want, I sleep when I want, I run errands when I want and therefore, I also do yoga when I want.
I am afraid of going to the next level.
And no, I don’t mean contorting my body into more pretzel shapes.
I mean being in touch with myself in a way that only my yoga practice does.
For me, yoga is a profound experience each and every time I step on my mat. I learn something about myself whether it was something that was hidden away in the creaks of my bones or something I just needed to let go of. I absorb something. I feel something. I laugh, I cry, I get in touch with the very depths of who I am. I experience myself in a way does not allow me to hide from myself.
And that is down right scary.
I’ve been pretty stagnant in my own recovery lately and I know that my lack of yoga is the reason why. That practice represents a commitment to myself like nothing else. That time on my mat, just me, my thoughts and my sweat. That place where being me is the only thing I can be. And if I am going to stay healthy and sane, I have to get back to that place.
And so, on this what if Wednesday I ask myself:
What if I practiced yoga every day?
I don’t know.
I’m scared to find out.
But I am going to do it anyway.
That is my intention.
I have committed to practicing yoga everyday for the month of July. It has been an incredible experience in compassion. The first ten days I was doing fairly intense practice (for me) using the book MEGA YOGA by Megan Garcia and doing the ‘Yoga for the Rest of Us’ DVD by Peggy Cappy.
It has been humid and hot here and some days it was late before I practiced. I have discovered the joy of 15 min leg-up-the-wall combined with 15 min savasana. I have learned and experienced the following (and its only day 14!):
- I am a visual learner and need to follow a teacher or video even though I know most of the poses and have been practicing for awhile now.
- I am feeling my feelings more intensely now, not just intellectually but real deep experiencing
- I don’t like to practice while I’m on my period
- My hopes & goals are being shifted ever so subtley
- Self-compassion is growing
I write mini-updates on my experience on FaceBook. I tried to combine the yoga with a writing practice but that just didn’t happen. And I’m okay with that.
I can’t wait to hear about your experiences Christie!
Jen
I am glad you are getting so much out of your yoga challenge. I have been practicing for about 4.5 years now and have never really committed to a steady home practice. I even started yoga teacher training at one point (had to end for various reasons) and even struggled with it them. It is my goal to practice yoga most days for the rest of my life and to get started with that, I have to be comfortable facing the things that come up in my practice. So, the time has come, I am just going to do it. I am going to write about it on my yoga blog, hopefully.
I’ve often found myself resistant to yoga as well, but I never put the time and effort into discovering why. Perhaps my situation is similar – yoga brings out lots of “stuff” that is challenging and revealing, and my natural tendency seems to be to avoid that.
Thanks for making me think this morning!
Yoga is something I’ve done a few times, but never for very long. I think it’s because I’ve tended to view it as “exericse” and something that is “all or nothing.”
Like Jen, I am a visual learner and need a video or, preferably, an instructor. I have the AM/PM yoga tape that features Rodney Yee on the AM segment (which is the one I prefer…I don’t like the PM segment). At one time I practiced Svaroopa yoga and was blown away by what came up for me.
I’ve said to myself, “self? you’d get so much out of taking 15 minutes every morning, before you do anything else, and practicing AM yoga” and yet I don’t. What if I did?
KCLAnderson (Karen)´s last blog ..What Does Strong Look Like
LOVE this! meditation challenges the mind with stillness and yoga with trying new poses and challenging yourself physically. these are both difficult experiences but i think are so beneficial at cultivating calmness and self-awareness :)
I absolutely LOVE yoga – it has been key in me coming to a healthier and more balanced place in my life. My spirit definitely feels it when my practice wanes, that is when I stall and become more hesitant with myself. Yoga is amazing & cleansing & relaxing & challenging & explosive & emotional all at once, it is like a wringing out of the soul.
Sometimes my yoga practice is only 20 minutes and sometimes 2 hours, don’t put to much pressure on yourself as far as the length & amount of practice. Every day is different. I love your intention.
Jessica´s last blog ..better late
Christie, I love this post. Thank you for always being so honest. The great thing is that you realized what is holding you back and you’ve made the intention to face it. When you have so many changes happening in your life (like a huge change in your routine), it throws everything off. So I hope you aren’t being hard on yourself.
I get the same way about physical activity in general. Sometimes, if I’m feeling especially bad about my body (even as a body image blogger, I’m by no means immune to it) or lethargic overall, I don’t want to exercise because then I’m going to have to actually “feel” my body, which might sound strange. But I don’t always want to. Still, once I start doing any physical activity, I do end up feeling so much better.
It’s interesting how often fear is the reason behind not following through. This is all-too true for me.
On a side note, I’d love to learn more about how you’re developing your home practice and how working from home is going (as a freelancer, I’m always interested in how others structure their days).
Margarita Tartakovsky´s last blog ..Emotional Eating- Food Fears & Body Image- Q&A with Christie- Part 2
I am with you. One of my intentions for the new year was to add more about my yoga practice to my blog. It is one of my favorite and necessary activities but I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to write about. I do a group practice three days a week and have started teaching my two year old a few poses. She can do a full vinyasa and it is such a joy to watch her. She makes it so fun, fresh and new.
I love the first comment from Jen; “I have discovered the joy of 15 min leg-up-the-wall combined with 15 min savasana.” This idea really appeals to me as I tend to do the power vinyasa flow yoga but have found I’m craving just being more in tune with my body and meditation.
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Wow, I totally know EXACTLY what you mean. During the month of march, I had a personal “do yoga everyday challenge” which ended up being totally amazing. My body felt WONDERFUL. I had tons of energy. I loved it. And then, in April? I stopped completely. It was as if I was feeling *too* good, I just couldn’t take it. Absurd. I know. Lets get back on the daily yoga bandwagon together, shall we? My poor little tight muscles and dreary energy need it. xoxox
It IS absurd.
And dear god do I know about tight muscles. Today, my chest was popping and my hips were screaming. I was having a HARD time embracing where I was because I couldn’t do all the things I once could. It was a sure wake up call that both by body and my mind need to get back to my practice.
I think it’s perfectly natural to be afraid of a practice that is so profound every time you engage in it. The emotional aspects of yoga are not to be taken lightly. We may not expect yoga to be a challenge after practicing it for so long, but it is! The fact that you will be practicing yoga every day even though you are scared is a testament to your strength :)
Thanks, Jessie. I don’t think a lot of people “get” how emotional it can be.