I went to yoga at the studio last night for the first time in a long time. Honestly, it was the first time I’ve practiced at all in a couple of weeks. I’ve known I needed to get back to my practice but I’d been holding myself back and I’m finally ready to admit why. I walked into the yoga room and was warmly greeted by one of my favorite teachers, Linda, and words I wasn’t expecting just started flowing from my mouth. I don’t know where they came from but by the time I opened my eyes from savasana, I knew truer words had never been spoken.
Remember when I quit yoga teacher training? It has been since then that my practice really started to decline. I tried fooling myself into believing that I was developing a home practice but what I was doing was avoiding my mat. I’ve learned some awesome things about myself during this time of reflection and I think it was an important break for me to take but I also think I need to be real about why I took it. I’ve been in denial about it but the reality is that quitting made me feel like a failure.
In my mind, I twisted being a teacher with being a student and somehow, I felt as if I didn’t deserve to be a student if I couldn’t be a teacher. But even clearer still is that maybe I don’t want to teach after all. I thought that teaching would prove to the world that I was a yogi and that being a teacher would bring about enlightenment that I wouldn’t be able to achieve otherwise. But what I know now is that I am a yogi because of what lives in my heart not because of a certificate or the poses I can do. And I also know that at this point in my life, I’m not ready to sacrifice my practice to be a teacher. Or maybe, I just need to be in a different place in my life where there is more time to practice and teach.
I’m still proud of myself for grabbing life by the horns by starting the training and I am forever thankful for the lessons I have learned since then but for now, I need to keep focusing on my healing and my journey to wellness. For now, I will be a student.
How about you? Have you felt you let yourself down when in the long run it turned out to be a big lesson?
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
um, always…isn’t that how life works?
i’ve done that every step of the way with my issues with food, and am now realizing that my love for food just got really mixed up…it’s a passion, not an evil!
Heather (Heather’s Dish)´s last blog ..Ending the Way It Started
Absolutely. For me, this was especially the case with relapses in terms of binges/disordered eating. Every time I’d fall down, I’d think my recovery was over. But in the long run, falling down was necessary; each and every time I learned something new – including how to pick myself back up.
Katie @ Health for the Whole Self´s last blog ..The Black Bathing Suit: Part 2
Boy can I ever relate to that. Last week, my mind started going into a very disordered place and I was completely beating myself up about. Thankfully, with the help of Gena, I was able to catch it before it got terrible but it is so easy to get caught up in that. I just try to keep reminding myself that all of these things we go through teach us something even deeper about ourselves and they keep happening until we actually learn it.
First, I’d like to say that I love your writing. You have an incredible way with words and it is a pleasure reading what you have to say.
I can totally relate to this post. The past 2 years or so of my life has been full of crazy and scary changes and there are days when I have to pick myself up and remind myself that I can make it thru.
I think it’s awesome that you recognize when things get difficult and fight it- don’t they say that’s half the battle?
Erica Sara´s last blog ..Clover
Thanks for your kind words, Erica Sara, I really appreciate that!
Gosh, so many times! The first thing that comes to mind is leaving a very elite private high school for my local public school. I can’t even explain how upset my parents were–but it turned out to be wonderful and, hey, I got into Harvard.
I’ve had some yoga ups and downs as well, though. I used to go to Baron Baptiste 5 days a week, then switched to home practice, then gradually stopped all together. But it didn’t take long for my body to crave it again. now I go to the studio once a week and squeeze in about half an hour on my own 4-5 days a week. Balance is always best.
PippaPatchwork´s last blog ..The Unexpected
How did you end up developing your home practice? What do you “do”? I want a home practice but I just can’t get there. Maybe I’m just not ready for that. I don’t want to use dvd’s, I want to develop my own practice, if that makes sense.
Love Baron Baptiste, by the way. I went to his workshop in Dallas in November.
Developing a home practice is definitely more difficult than regularly going to a studio, and ironically requires much more discipline. At first, I really focused on the amount of time, and would get on my yoga mat and promise myself I would stay there for 60 minutes. I also did it at the same time every day, since routine helps keep me dedicated.
Eventually, I was able to be more flexible and intuitive. I didn’t use DVDs–I find it’s better to be alone with my own thoughts and concentrate on my breathing–but I did the sequences from class. It’s nice to still go to the classes once a week because I like the heated room and the teachers mix things up and occasionally introduce new poses/sequences that I incorproate into my own practice.
It definitely takes some time to develop a home practice but it’s really worth it in terms of flexible scheduling and of course saving some money! Most importantly, it makes yoga a truly meditative and self-reflective time.
PippaPatchwork´s last blog ..The Unexpected
That is exactly what I want. One of my teachers tells me to just go to my yoga room, sit on my mat and see what happens. Developing the discipline is what is most important not what you do on the mat when you get there. I think I fear the word discipline for various reasons that involve my disordered past and I don’t like feeling “forced”. I want it to come naturally but it doesn’t but I also think I have these ideas in my head about what it should be like once I get on my mat and I need to let that go.
Showing up to a class where I have paid money and people are expecting me to be is easier. Showing up for myself is hard.
while i was teaching i went to real estate school and passed the test but never stuck it out for much longer than that….sometimes i wish i had but though it all i did gain more appreciation for my teaching job too…..
have a great st. pattys day!
Kalli@fitandfortysomething´s last blog ..So Sore and So Green
I think that’s called life… I know how you feel though. There are many times in my life where I feel like a failure for not making it to a certain goal or a certain weight or a certain amount of days working out or whatever it is in my life at that moment that I’m trying to do.
I tend to shut myself of from people when I feel like I have “failed” at something that I said out loud I was going to do. I am getting better at that, but only because of time and age and the fact that people ALWAYS find me and call me out on it which I actually love. I’m the kid of person who needs to be called out once in a while.
Maria (realfitmama)´s last blog ..Happy St Patrick’s Day!!
For me, letting myself down has been due to a recent discovery. After two years into my university program I feel as though the career choice I had initially set out towards just no longer feels right AT ALL! This has been really difficult, because alot of people feel that I should have known before hand, or that Im just kidding myself if I think I’ll be able to find more enjoyable work when my education is done. Im kinda not sure what will end up happening, I certainly hope that knowing what I don’t want to do will lead to a career doing what I love, but its hard not to be pessimistic when the people around you are.
Great post by the way!
Really candid and wonderful post, Christie. I have let myself down more times than I can count. But you’re right- those times I learn the most. When everything is flowing along like a breeze, it’s easy to make good decisions and feel content, but it’s the times when you are challenged and faced with obstacles that show you who you are. I’ve learned that failing myself weakens my self trust, so I work as hard as I can to keep my own promises.
Great post!
Andrea @ CanYouStayForDinner.com´s last blog ..Scrambled Pizza Pie and Losing 135lbs
This is a great, insightful post, Christie. I could relate to you alot.
I’ve gone through so many trials and mistakes…each time, I find that the worst thing I did was give up hope on myself, and berate myself. But looking back, even in my weakest moments, somehow there was a purpose and lesson behind it. We are not built by a series of successes, but series of “failures” who have strengthened and developed us to the person we are now.
Yoga teacher training seemed like something you always wanted to do, and I liked seeing that a busy person with a normal life could find the time to do it. When you stopped going, I never thought that you were a failure; I thought that it was inspiring that you tried something new & scary.
Sometimes, I let myself down by letting fear get in my way. I’m teaching myself that fear isn’t a good excuse for not doing things!
laura dishes´s last blog ..Shake It Up
I have a very black and white personality – something either is or it isn’t. This makes it hard to find a good balance which it seems like you’re struggling with with your yoga practice. I’m trying to learn that there are some grey areas in life and that’s OK.
Elizabeth (The Dallas Celiac)´s last blog ..Glutened