One of the reasons I like blogging so much is the accountability of it even though I choose when and what to post. I’ve been avoiding writing about the un-stuck challenge for a couple of days now and I think it is time to fess up so that I can move on. My commitment has been wavering and emotionally, I feel a bit “all over the map”. I’ve been going through some personal challenges that leave me feeling listless and unsure. I consult with my dear friends, my therapist, my husband and somehow, I still feel so stuck.
Actually, at this point, I feel as though I am a moving a bit backwards. Back in July, I posted about ditching the scale and somehow, I have let that hunk of worthless metal back into my life. Daily. Sometimes multiple times per day. It started a couple of weeks ago when I decided to take my measurements. Slowly but surely, I started measuring everyday which eventually turned into a hankering to know “the number”. I ransacked our house at 5:30 in the morning and never found “my” scale but I did find my husband’s old scale in our “gym”.
The mind games started right away even though “the number” was within ounces of what it was so long ago. In fact, my weight has merely been fluctuating for the past year which I know by the way my body looks and how my clothes are fitting. None the less, the questions float around in my mind. Is this scale right? Why is it different when I weigh two, three and four times? How much does my food weigh? It is my girly time, how many pounds is that?
All of those horrid questions that mean one thing and one thing only.
Avoidance.
Dieting. Binging. Obsession with food. Carbs. Fat grams. Sugar. Gluten. Dieting. Binging. Over Exercising. Dieting. Weighing. Measuring. Dieting. Binging. Weighing.
Avoidance.
I’m really behind on reading in Meditations from the Mat
Avoidance.
The truth of the matter is, I know what is wrong and it has taken me a few months to figure it out but I have and I even have a plan. I won’t be sharing what I have been avoiding facing which coming from me may be a surprise since I am always very open and honest but even I have limits. Rest assured that though it is highly personal and shakes me to my core, it will be OK. It will take work but it is work I am more than willing to do. Slowly but surely, I will dig my way out of this hole I have dug myself into. Thankfully, I didn’t bury myself and I can climb out. Thankfully, the only thing I had to do was admit there was a problem and now, I can work to resolve it. Thankfully, I am surrounded by people who understand.
So, there it is. Well, most of it anyway :D. I’ve learned that sometimes, we take steps along our paths that make us feel like we are going the wrong way. We aren’t going the wrong way at all. We are going exactly where we need to go in order to learn what we need to learn.
Here’s to learning.
What about you? What “roads” have you traveled in life that ended up being a much needed lesson?
The scale is so hard to kick… I understand how you feel.
It can bring so much stress. I tried to kick the scale thousands of times before I actually did it for good. It kind of naturally happened. I don’t know exactly how, but I remember just weighing myself once per week, and slowly, naturally weaning it away. I believe it was because I was happy. When I’m unhappy is when the scale makes a return…
There are so many struggles in life… its tough…
Keep on powering through… its gets easier.
Estela @ Weekly Bite´s last undefined ..If you register your site for free at
girl, i totally feel you on the scale thing. i can’t even take my measurements or else i’ll become obsessed with the number again. i totally understand about not wanting to share the highly personal stuff on here, but just know you are in my thoughts and prayers! you can get through this, and we’re all with you :)
Heather (Heather’s Dish)´s last blog ..$10 Lunch for Two
I have had so many ups and downs in my recovery over the past two years, but looking back, there was ALWAYS a valuable life lesson to be learned. And I truly have not made the exact same mistakes more than once. I might find other ways to hit a “bump” in the road, but then I just learn ways to work through them, and move on. I thought about measuring myself recently, and didn’t think it would bother me, but I realize that it still would.
Stay strong, sounds like you’re on the right track!
Jenny´s last blog ..Good Things Come in Two’s
I have traveled many roads on my journey towards recovery, but with everyone I go down, I come out that much stronger and more aware of what I can do next time to make sure I get through it successfully! Keep your chin up wonderful, you know I’m always here if you need to chat!
Melissa S.´s last blog ..Getting My Sweat On: Strength Training
Oh, avoidance. I can think of almost a handful of “situations” that I’m avoiding, and honestly, I feel that I avoid them b/c I view them as potential setbacks. But, what you said is true- we’re going to where we need to go, even if it does feel like one big circle at times.
laura dishes´s last blog ..Pilates & Chocolate
This is at the CORE of eating/dieting/binging/scale obession/over exercising….it is what causes so much of this vicious cycle.
You have to get to the bottom of the issue and really REALLY work through and accept whatever it is that is troubling you. No need to process that on the blog. The most important thing is to stop trying to avoid it and ‘get down with it’
Hugs and thank you for sharing. I can SO relate to his post.
Michelle@Eatingjourney´s last blog ..Ready for Combat
I have had my fair share of eating issues, from buhlemia, binging, starving myself, obsession. I have come to realize that I am worth so much more than a number… what I look like and what I weigh IS NOT WHO I AM!! Why have I let this define me? I am still answering that question today, but the battle is so much less than it was a few years ago. My self worth is no longer tied to a number on the scale, or whether I ate well one day, or got my work out in, it is based on who I am :) Praying for you girl!
Ugh– I can so relate to this post. I have tried again and again to ditch the scale, but it always finds its way back into my life. Oh, to be free :-)
I actually have the opposite reaction to the scale. If I weigh myself once a day, same time of day, I’m OK – I don’t obsess and over time, I’ve seen the weight fluctuate enough from day to day to know that I didn’t suddenly gain 3 lbs overnight. But if I try to weigh myself occasionally and there are big differences, I definitely get upset because I don’t know how much is fluctuation and how much is actual gain.
But I can see how it can become an obsession either way and you have to do what works for you.
I’m sorry you’re still struggling with the “stuck” feeling and I completely understand why there are some things that need to be kept private. I really hope that things get better soon. Email me if you want to talk. :)
Elizabeth (The Dallas Celiac)´s last blog ..Veggiewich
(((Christie))) Even though you’re not sharing the specifics, I’m glad to hear you know what it is you’ve been avoiding and what you need to do to work on it! Figuring out the “plan” for things like that is always the hardest part.
and the scale is such a tricky thing. My mindset can change what it is to me so easily, you know?
brandi´s last blog ..Well Rounded
(((Christie))))
Let’s see…you know exactly what I had been avoiding. Certain truths that I just couldn’t see until recently. And now that I know i’m better off, things are slowly starting to turn around. It’s hard to face facts sometimes, but I think that our ability to do so is just evidentiary support for the fact that we are strong. We are capable. We are WORTHY.
Jenny´s last blog ..Popeye, I am not.