A few days ago, I had a simple yet significant dream. I really only remember one part of the dream and since I truly believe that dreams are one of the ways we work out life’s lessons, I decided to look it up. The part that I remember most is of my cat, K.C. running away from the dear husband and I. We were standing in the middle of the road that my parents neighborhood is on in NC. He started running after her but he couldn’t catch her. Eventually, we just stood there and watched her run. When I looked it up, I was horrified what I read. One of the random sites said that having your pet run away in a dream means that you are about to lose something important, be it your job, your spouse or anything “big” like that.
Immediately, I burst into tears because those losses seem too much to bare. Things have been really crazy for me for the last few months and I knew in my heart of hearts that something was going to give. I knew the damn that was holding it all in was about to break. And deep down in the pit of my soul, I knew what it was but I needed something solid. You know, a sign. When I went into the yoga class with the singing bowls a few days ago, I set my intention to give me that sign. And last night, it bubbled up into my awareness and I knew what I needed to do. I knew what the significant change was and my heart aches to share it with you.
I am overcome with emotion to tell you that I have decided that the yoga teacher training program I am in is not for me and that I am probably not going to go back.
When I was in the tenth grade, I had a teacher named Mrs. Sasser and she was a teaching legend. Everyone loved her and hoped that she would be their teacher when they reached the tenth grade. She used to always tell us that there was a time and a place for everything and those words have never rung more true than they do right now. This is not the right time nor the right place, in any way shape or form.
What I haven’t been sharing with you here these past couple of months is what is has really been like. It has left me incredibly frustrated and the signs that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time have been obvious in so many ways. So many ways.
First and foremost, it has been so much to emotionally bear that I feel that my recovery is at stake. The sacred place that is my mat has become my enemy. A place that I don’t want to go anymore. A place that makes me hurt in every inch of my being. It has all just been too much too soon. I feel like more of my dirty skeletons have been thrown before my eyes in these last two months than I have ever had in my whole two and a half years of recovery. It has been so overwhelming that food has once again become my comfort. The only place that brings me solace.
I’m losing my yoga. I’m losing everything I have worked so hard for in my recovery and if I continue to travel down this path, I will be so far gone that I am afraid that I won’t know how to get it back. I want my yoga back. I want to stop baking cookies just so that I can eat them and feel miserable. I want the thought of vomiting to not sound like the easy way out.
This experience has broken me open and shown me who I am. The feelings that this means I have failed are running around in my mind but in the light of day, the truth is that the only way I will fail is if I don’t listen to my body, my mind and my soul. I’m losing myself and the things that bring me joy. There will be another program on another day that will be a better fit when I am ready to share my yoga. But for now, I’ve got to work on my recovery and I can’t do that if I stay. I must let it go.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
I absolutely DO NOT think this is a sign that you failed, girl! I would never think anything of that. I think it is a positive thing – you’ve realized it’s not for you, so why waste any more precious time doing it? Time to move on to better things and find out what it really is you want.
Jessica @ How Sweet It Is´s last blog ..Snow + Booty-Kickin’ Leg Workout
(((Christie))) I’m so sorry that this hasn’t turned out to what you wanted, but maybe it just isn’t the right time or the right program, like you said. Better to figure that out trying than to have never tried! I hope that you find healing and peace again on your mat and can get back to loving yoga and what it means for you.
Most people judge themselves much harder than anyone else does. I think this blogging niche is incredibly understanding, and everyone knows that it is most important to do what is best for you.
Lauren´s last blog ..Crab and Brie Soup
this was a beautifully written piece. your honesty is incredibly touching and inspiring.
i know what it’s like to want something to work so much. i know what it’s like to ignore the signs along the way that it just might not be right.
you are so insightful to pull it all together and to choose the best course for you and your health. may you have peace
Thank you for being so vulnerable and open. You’re definitely not alone in the way that you feel, but please know that you’re anything but a failure. Your blogging and ambition has offered a lot of motivation and excitement to others, and I’m thankful to be reading your words!
Heather @ The Joyful Kitchen´s last blog ..Hey Santa…
Wow, I’m glad you made this sincere and open post. I’m sorry it didn’t turn out right for you, but you listened to what is right, and made the right choice. Even if you made it to the best yoga program in the world, your own personal recovery comes first. Please don’t think you are a failure..you still have your whole life ahead of you, and you can’t label yourself a failure just yet! There are still so many opportunities ahead of you…just focus on the first priority in your life right now. Your time will come.
sophia´s last blog ..I Am My Poison
Oh Christie!!!!!!!!!
BIG HUGS TO YOU!!!!!!!
I know you’ve been struggling with this and I’m proud of you for listening to your body, mind & soul!!!! That takes a much stronger woman than sucking it up and continuing with something that doesn’t make you happy. There will be another program for you at the right time, I know it!!!!!!
Meggilizz´s last blog ..Gruyère Macaroni
Hi Christie,
You haven’t failed at all!! I think that this is a really important part of your recovery process and you will be much stronger because of your decision to stand up for yourself, your soul and your body. Giving yourself permission to leave a situation that doesn’t serve you is the best thing that you could have done for yourself. There are tons of yoga programs out there. You will find the one that works best for you and you will teach!! Have faith. This is just a part of the journey.
I wish I could crawl through the computer right now and give you a big hug.
I’m so sorry that you’ve been having issues, but I think you are so smart to realize when something has gone too far and is triggering really bad thoughts.
So, big hugs, because the despair and darkness of those bad thoughts are pretty awful.
I hope you start feeling better soon, friend.
Elizabeth (The Dallas Celiac)´s last blog ..Biltmore + More
I feel like I’m always saying this to you, but you really are so good at listening to your mind & body. I couldn’t help but wonder how you were working a full time job, traveling often for workshops, getting so many hours in, AND taking care of yourself.
I overheard a girl in the grocery store talking to the cashier, and she was telling him how exhausted she was from yoga teacher training. She couldn’t understand how so and so with a job and kids could do it, while she was struggling to fit it all in. I’m glad that you’re making the decision for you, and well, following the name of your blog.
laura dishes´s last blog ..Christmas Decor & Making Plans
What a great lesson in self-care. I know that it must have been so hard to come to terms with this reality, but you’re doing so with honesty and courage. I am moved by your strength and know that you will know when the time is right to pursue certification. Big hugs and healing energy!
Chavonne´s last blog ..It’s Just a Frog in My Throat
Being broken open is painful, but one of the surest ways to ensure that we grow and bloom. I know this is tough right now, but I hope with this decision you can begin to slowly enjoy your mat again.
RunToTheFinish´s last blog ..Community Yoga
I am continually amazed by how you are able to get to the core of the matter and unearth what is making you upset and not only verbalize it, but do something about it.
While this program or time may not have been the right one, I have no doubt you will find the perfect fit.
Spiceaholic´s last blog ..Two little ladies
What an honest, amazing post. You have heart and courage girl. Sorry I am just “catching up ” now…I agree that different programs and timing have a lot to do with it.
I am doing my training now as well….I don’t know what to think about anything anymore to be honest….it’s opening up …but it also scares me….I am not happy in my current job but have no idea what the yoga will do for me…do I want to teach? I certainly couldn’t make a living off of it full-time either….
The purity of yoga scares me too sometimes – I know it’s not about judgement, and that not everybody is hippie-vegan-chic, etc….of course not!! but I also feel conflicted or judged that I am not…or “bad” then when I go home and eat chicken…or if I don’t have enough time to get at least 20 mins of practice in ….
It’s very difficult to fully articulate what I’m trying to say and EVERYthing there is to say – this is but a piece.
All I know is I need to find some type of happiness soon, or I will just up and quit my job – and I can’t afford to do that.
The thing is I can’t picture anything clearing my mind right now…it’s just muddled so much.
eatmovelove´s last blog ..Book Review: Love Struck
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