I had fully intended to write part II of my personal revolution series but this morning, I knew what I intended to write and what I needed to write were two different things. I could tell you about the ways that Baron contorted our bodies into pretzels or made us hold poses for insane amounts of time but really, that isn’t what is important. At least not today.
This morning, I was sipping coffee at my desk, reading blogs and waking up to start another week at work when fate intervened. Ever since I left Dallas, heck since before I even left for Dallas, I’ve been ignoring blaring signals from my mind and body. The old, disordered signals, the ones that scream at me for help. I was reading Melissa’s blog and writing my comment to her when it all clicked. The very words that I was writing to her were the words I needed myself. Here is what I wrote to her:
“This post is so touching and real. You are not a burden, you are strong for reaching out and expressing these inner most thoughts. That takes courage and really shows where you are in your recovery. We all stumble from time to time but reaching out for help is the difference between moving forward and moving backward. And for that matter, I think when we move backward, it means there is another lesson to learn and that bigger healing is on the horizon.”
In those words, I knew exactly what I had been avoiding. I have been avoiding moving forward. I am afraid to move forward. I am afraid to take the leap of faith with myself, my yoga practice, my disorder. It is so much easier to eat cookies. It is so much easier to blame my weight for my lack of ability in certain poses. It is so much easier to fall into old patterns than to grow and to change.
During the Baron Baptiste workshop, one of the things he said over and over was “the person we are on the mat is the person we are off the mat”. You might be surprised to know who I am on the mat since I rarely write about that side of my practice. I always write about the awakenings, the insights and the mat victories. So, who am I, on the mat? I’m frustrated and angry. Yep, I’m the girl in class pissed off at the teacher for “making” me do things I think are challenging. I’m the one huffing, puffing and making the mad face when whatever won’t reach wherever. I’m the one in my teacher training program that the teacher has to often remind to stop being so frustrated.
So, what does this mean off the mat? Well, frankly, I’m not really sure except that I know that I am so resistant to finding out. Baron Baptiste says that change happens when we stay with what is uncomfortable; when we move beyond our edge. And that is exactly what I am not doing. Instead, I’ve let my disorder take over again, I am moving backward. I was so caught up in my growth, I didn’t see that my old patterns, those grooves in my mind, were resurfacing.
I haven’t been binging in that dark cloak watching myself from above kind of way but I have been restricting and making poor choices later because of it. I’ve allowed realizations about my yoga practice to twist and to turn into deprivation. I’ve allowed anger to show up in cheeseburgers (without the bun, of course) and french fries. I’ve convinced myself that if I could just lose this last bit of weight that my yoga practice would be so much better. I’ve allowed myself to eats bags of trail mix and large portions of chocolate to soothe my work stress. I’ve allowed myself to believe that yoga is all or nothing. I’ve allowed myself to hold back and go back to the comfort of my disorder.
So, where is my growth? Where is my change? Where is my personal revolutions? I’ve buried it deep inside my mind because I don’t feel ready for it. I don’t know that I have the strength to keep moving forward. I am afraid to be healthy, to be strong, to practice yoga each day and heal all of the hurts. Who am I if I don’t have my disorder to lean on? I opened my heart and let the universe flood me with love and with good and here I sit, in tears, wondering why it hurts so much. I don’t know how to handle the good. I’m much better at being frustrated and angry.
Does this mean something bigger and better is on my horizon, too?
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
((((((((Christie)))))))))
OF COURSE something way better is in your future!!!!!!! We must go through the dark patches before we break out into the light and we must hurt before we feel the joy in our lives. I’m so proud of you for posting this, I think I’ve been going through something similar lately, but I haven’t fully realized it yet.
Thanks, Meggie. I really appreciate that.
Thank you so much for the comment on my blog and I’m glad that it has brought this realization to you also. I know that there are better things in the future for the both of us and that we can move forward instead of backwards. we may be falling, but we’re getting back up and heading back towards standing tall, REALLY TALL.
HUGS lovely, and thank you so much again for you comment.
Melissa S.´s last blog ..A Weighty Issue
What a beautiful post. I needed to read this.
On the mat, I am frequently distractable, reactive, and underconfident. I am the one who twitches and fidgets and second guesses my movements. My instructor used to come over and cover my eyes with a blanket during savassana because I couldn’t let myself be completely still even then. We all want to talk about the breakthrough moments, wonderful as they are, but the struggle is part of the journey, too. Thank you for the reminder.
Hil´s last blog ..Holiday Weekend
There are DEFINITELY great things on your horizon…just waiting for that breakthrough!
Megg is right – it takes going through change and pain and frustration to get to where we want to be. If it was so easy, it wouldn’t make us appreciate everything…it wouldn’t be worth the work. And it is! The other side of this will be so amazing, you won’t even remember how bad this side was.
((hugs))
brandi´s last blog ..Buzzin’
i’ll bet this post, alone, brought you growth. you wrote of such important realizations.
yoga’s very hard work. it’s a long process, i think. have you ever asked your teachers about their process’s?
my friend just started a daily yoga practise, and she’s decided she needs some good therapy, just because of everything deep inside that’s coming up.
i’ve said it before, but i truly admire your path. you are always growing.
Christie — you know you are on the path and doing great work/making changes just by being able to say these things. to write them and put them out there for the world to read. it takes total bravery and so the universe is setting you up to be brave to face the things you don’t think you can face. thank you for sharing your beautiful light with the rest of us. i’m sure you’ll never know how many people you inspire and encourage.
so many thoughts come to mind but two jumped out at me tonight. the first a friend told me as i was using my yoga to handle a tough transformation ( SO HARD!) she said: to see your shadow you have to be standing in the light. GO into the light, no matter how hard it is. Go There. or something like that.
the other thought is a great one that has been bouncing around in my brain for a few days, wasn’t sure why but maybe it’s for you… my teacher Todd Norian, who does great healing work with yoga says: A Setback is just a set up for a Comeback. i just love that.
ok, longest comments ever. love and light to you. Sarah
Sarah Fischer´s last blog ..The Body Speaks
I think that it’s natural to occasionally fall back into our comfort zones, but you’re so much different than most people b/c you actually pay attention to signs and signals.
When we’re busy, a balanced lifestyle falls to the side. When we’re emotional, we have a hard time being present. When we’re not moving forward, we’re afraid that we’re moving behind. I just always think of how far you have come, and that seems bigger and better than anything else…
laura dishes´s last blog ..Tapas + A New Car
I think that realizing that your behaviors are disordered, instead of accepting them as “how you are” or “normal” show a willingness to accept responsibility and at least a shard of yearning to move on. We all fall back on old habits–as we know what to expect, we know how to react, we know how we will feel–and are comfortable with that discomfort more than the discomfort of the unknown.
A setback doesn’t have to be a setback, but rather a point where you realize a change is needed. Use this post to figure out what’s really going on and where you want to be in the (near) future. Day to day is all you can do! It can only get better, and you deserve to feel good.
We all do (big hypocrite here).
There’s a lot to be said about being afraid to move forward. I think it is really challenging to step out of our comfort zone… and I think it’s even more difficult to REALIZE that we are stuck in our comfort zone.
I think there are good things on the horizon for you and I think that recognizing that you CAN move forward is the first step.
Elizabeth (The Dallas Celiac)´s last blog ..Infected by a whole herd of them