Yesterday was the five year anniversary of my brothers passing and I was nervous about what the day would bring. I had to drive down to Virginia Beach for my training session that also included the ever fretted sanskrit test. I was nervous that I would crumble into a puddle of tears and not be able to function, let alone pass an intense test. I lifted my mood by creating a wonderful bowl of oats to fuel me up for what I anticipated would be a really long day. I decided to go with the thanksgiving theme and just be thankful for the years that I had with my brother and for the sanctuary of my yoga practice. I made the (gluten free) oats with pumpkin, almond milk, cake spice and almond butter and topped it off with a huge glob of cranberry sauce. It was mighty filling and I intentionally overate a bit. I knew I wouldn’t be eating again for about six hours and needed extra staying power.
A couple hours later, I arrived at Oceanfront Yoga and felt ready to face whatever might be ahead. We started with a raja yoga practice that lasted about 90 minutes, it was hard to say the least. I had my first attempt at working towards Eka Pada Koundinyasana II (i.e. the hardest arm balance ever), needless to say, I could barely even get my knee under my shoulder, let alone lift my whole body up into the full expression of the pose. Despite not being able to do all of the asana in the class, I was proud for working on such challenging poses and felt ready to face the rest of the training which focused on backbends.
I was afraid that my heart would feel closed and that I wouldn’t be able to open up but the most beautiful thing happened. I accomplished every pose we worked on and even made my way into the full expression of camel. My heart never felt as open as it did in those moments overlooking the ocean. And then, came the moment I was most dreading besides the test.
The teacher asked “Can you do urdhva dhanurasana?”
I quietly answered that I could with blocks at the wall and we proceeded to break the pose down moment by moment. Little did I know, my practice was about to change and my heart would feel an openness that I never thought possible. Connie, the teacher, told me to spread my arms wider and to push onto the crown of my head. I pushed and I went completely up into wheel as if I had been practicing it for months. I let a “whoa” out and every one turned to look at me.
Connie said “You weren’t expecting that, were you”.
I tucked my chin and slowly came down and said that I wasn’t expecting that at all. We launched into a conversation about modifications and that there really are no hard an fast rules. For me, my arms are a little wider out whereas last week, it was with blocks at the wall.
Then she said what I was hoping she would say. “Ok, Christie, do it again”.
And I did.
Minutes later, I was taking my sanskrit test and I whizzed through it as if I had been speaking it forever. I even knew names of poses that we hadn’t broken down or even mentioned. I was on cloud nine. I left the studio and headed over to Peace, Love and Balance, a yoga shop within a few miles of the studio, because I was in desparate need of a new yoga mat. And, an amazing thing happened besides ordering the most awesome yoga mat and knee pad, four new people walked into my circle some of which would seem unlikely. My heart was open and I felt joyful about my new found friends.
By the time I left Virginia Beach, the sun was starting to set and I was ready to go home. On the way home, I cried. I wept for my brother but my tears were clean and pure. The anger was gone and I felt at peace.
What a beautiful post. You captured that moment in your practice so vividly that I felt like I was there. I am so happy for you–both for your wonderful practice and that you were able to grieve for your brother with some sense of peace. Thank you for your writing.
Hil´s last blog ..5 Things that Make Me Irrationally Happy
I’m so sorry about your brother’s passing. I think you honored him well today by pushing past your comfort zone. I’m really impressed you are able to do the urdhva dhanurasana pose!
Elizabeth S. (The Dallas Celiac)´s last blog ..I scratched that itch
What a touching post!
Marissa´s last blog ..Whittle My Middle
Christie, you write to well that I always feel like I’m right there with you! Thanks for sharing this post with us. :)
laura dishes´s last blog ..Perfect Oatmeal, Perfect Bolognese
Love your posts and insight. You are amazing girl. I hear you on the poses…I’m scared to death of even starting the head/shoulder stands – yikes – I’ll deal with it when it comes I guess. How do you memorize the Sanskrit…I’m having a hard time with it lol!! Help!!
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Hey girl! Don’t worry about the challenging poses and certainly don’t be afraid of them. When you are ready for them, you will know. Shoulder stand is one of my favorites but it took me almost a year and a half of solid practice of it before I felt comfortable and still, in some classes, I’m not feeling it so I don’t do it. I’m just now working on building up to headstand and I am in no rush to get there. With practice, I will get there. Yoga is all about baby steps.
As far as learning sanskrit, I bought The Language of Yoga because it comes with CD’s to listen to. I listened to them in the car so I could multi task :) Then, I created a spreadsheet with the sanskrit term in one column and the english term and/or basics of the pose in the other. Then, I printed it off and folded it so that I could only see the sanskrit column and I quizzed myself. Baiscally, like modern day flash cards :) Mostly, it was the cd that really helped me though. Are you going to be tested on sanskrit? Some schools are hardcore about it and some aren’t. My particular school is, she teaches all of her classes in sanskrit. But, my teachers here in Richmond rarely use it and if they do, they also use the english name. I’m pretty sure that I won’t use much sanskrit, at least not when I teach beginner classes because I do feel that it can be intimidating.
oh, I’m so happy for you :) What an amazing weekend, in so many ways.
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Wanted to let you know that I went to a cooking class at Whole Foods tonight and they mentioned that they do Gluten-Free based cooking demos as well… just thought I’d pass along the info in case you were interested (you may totally already know though)! Hope you are having a good start to the week :)
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This is such a beautiful post. I can’t even imagine how that must have felt.
It is well and I’m glad you could make it through the day – grieving but still going on. Take it easy