Hello ED, How May I Help You

My life has made a few interesting twists and turns since the day I decided to give up gluten and all of it seemed to come to a head yesterday. Last week was the most challenging thus far and I wouldn’t be the blogger or person that I am if I didn’t admit that ED came knocking on my door. To say that I have been struggling is putting things mildly. My self care has been in the toilet and it has really been catching up with me. I remember in the first couple of weeks that I gave up gluten, I was on cloud nine. I thought that I had it all figured out and since I was finally feeling healthy, nothing could stop me. Even before I stopped eating gluten, I must admit to feeling quite smug about my recovery.

Then, as so many exciting things started to happen in the land of blogging, my energy levels started to shift and my mind went to places that it hasn’t been in a really long time. I felt depressed that my dreams were not coming true and I felt really stuck. Of course, in the beginning of the week, I couldn’t even really pinpoint what I was feeling. And instead of using all of the tools that I learned in therapy, I slowly but surely let ED in. On Friday, I found myself at the bottom of the gluten free crackers box completely unaware of where they had gone. Shortly after, I realized that I was only 8 dove squares away from finishing a whole bag in a week and proceeded to polish them off with my co-worker. I stuffed myself silly at dinner and then ate dessert. I was ignoring those all too familiar signs that something was wrong.

I woke up yesterday in some sort of food coma from everything I had eaten on Friday. Tears were on the brink of popping to the surface and ED really started in on me. He told me to run. He told me to purge. He told me that I wasn’t good enough and that I didn’t deserve to be happy. He even told me to say fuck it and eat bread at Panera, he told me that I could eat gluten if I damn well pleased. He was taking over my brain and I didn’t know what to do to shut him up.

Thankfully, I was headed to yoga and I knew that it was going to help. Earlier in the week, I had emailed Candy, my yoga teacher, and asked her if we could have coffee or something after class. I even put my heart on the line and told her that my heart told me that she was the one that I needed to talk to. I’ve always felt very connected to her and somehow, I knew that she would help me sort this shit out. Thankfully, she did not think I was some sort of freak of nature and she happy accepted my request. When I walked into the studio, I was quiet. She was there eating an apple and I sort of longed to dump all of my shit onto her. Patience has never been my virtue but everything happens for a reason.

Kathy, the other lady who takes Candy’s class walked in and that was my turning point. Kathy and I have have been practicing yoga together for almost two years so at this point, we are very comfortable with one another. It is usually just the two of us in the class with some other students every now and then. Thankfully, we both like the same style of yoga and Candy seems to always know what both of us need. Candy asked her how she was doing and as if she was reading my mind she said told us that she had had a really emotional week. The two of them started chatting about Mercury being in retrograde, which I don’t really know what that means, but it all really started to make sense to me. Candy said that it is a time of reflection of “our shit” and that our natural tendency is to run away from it. We talked for a while and finally started to practice.

We started with fun variations on sun salutation and eventually landed in pigeon. We held pigeon for about five minutes on each side and it was such an emotional challenge for me. I knew that the tears that I had been holding back were coming soon. I thought I might burst into flames right there in the studio, we had built so much heat I told them I thought I was having a hot flash. We did some cooling poses and ended with savasana. Candy always plays really groovy music and she was playing this really mellow song about waves. She told me the name of the song and the artist but I don’t remember it now. As I laid there, I was listening to the song and bathing myself with my mantra “I love and accept myself” and the tears started pouring from my eyes. And like a brick wall, only one thought continued to bubble up. I want to teach yoga.

I mentioned the other day that I wanted to teach yoga but frankly, I’ve always thought that it was an unrealistic goal for two reasons. First and foremost, because I am overweight. I am not thin and toned and my body is pretty far from a “yoga body” and secondly because I can’t get into “all” of the poses. Now, I knew that these things didn’t really matter because Candy and I are about the same size and she can’t do all of the poses either but she is the best yoga teacher I could ask for. As a mask for those excuses, I have allowed the money to be my reason for not doing it. Basically, I had convinced myself that it was the impossible dream. A dream that just wouldn’t come true, becoming a published author or famous jewelry designer felt more tangible. But just as becoming an author won’t happen if I don’t write and being a jewelry designer won’t happen if I don’t make jewels, being a yoga teacher won’t happen if I don’t become certified. Why should that dream be any less tangible when frankly, it is probably more so.

Candy and I went to Starbucks after that pivotal class and had a beautiful conversation. I felt like I could talk to her for hours upon hours. We talked a lot about my goal to become a yoga teacher and how my pattern of letting ED in seems to get in the way. I also realized that I have to stop setting such crazy expectations for myself. I commit about 11 hours per day to my current job and there are literally not enough hours in the day to do all of the things I expect myself to do. One thing is for sure, I have to make time for the things that are important for me and my self care has to be at the top of that list. If I am not taking care of myself, I will not accomplish any of my goals. I also don’t have to be a superhero and hide behind some sort of facade that I can do everything. I can only be myself and in order to do that, I have to honor ALL of my dreams and goals. And, that is just what I am going to do.

Hungry for More?

• Questions
• A Time and A Place
• The Box of Limiting Beliefs
• A Personal Revolution…Off The Mat
• Guest Post: The Anorexic Yogini by Erica Rivera

Tagged as: binge eating disorder, ED, yoga