Long time no see, guys. My vacation from blogging seems to be continuing. I thought that when I came back from vacation, I’d be raring to go with tons of posts about all of the wonderful food that we ate while we were there. And we did eat some pretty awesome food but things were not really going very well and the inspiration to bring my camera along just wasn’t there. Let me rewind a bit.
Frankly, I had been dreading my vacation almost from the get go. I had invited my parents along because of an immense amount of guilt due to their financial circumstances and it weighed very heavy on my heart and mind. Even though I was feeling better than ever with food and where my life was headed, a big black cloud was hanging over me. I was in fine spirits despite my looming sense of doom but as soon as we got into the car to head to the OBX, it started to pay it’s usual physical toll. My body expresses emotional pain in many ways besides my eating habits. I get severe hip and shoulder pain, sometimes debilitating, and it has taken me many years to correlate the two. Anyway, as we were driving, the pain in my shoulder was slowly building to the point of tears. I would be with my parents really soon.
I know some of you have wonderful, beautiful relationships with your families and sadly, I envy you. I wish I could say that when family time is coming, I bubble up with joy and eager anticipation. Instead, I curl into myself and my heart becomes heavy. When I am in the same room with my family, I feel trapped and despite what my most positive friends say, It won’t be fun. We try to make it fun and just pretend that it is all OK but really, it isn’t. The smiles and laughter are just masking years of pain.
We arrived one day before my parents in order to avoid traffic, which actually worked against us because we got stuck in tunnel traffic and the usual 3 hour trip took us 5 hours. When we arrived, we went out to dinner and my dread was building. My shoulder hurt so bad that walking on the beach for long just wasn’t on the agenda and I had a sense of what was coming. Subconsciously, I had decided to stop listening to my clearing emotional blocks cd, I think I was afraid of what would happen since it was already causing great revelations. But, I had been listening and the gates were already open.
My parents and sister arrived and immediately, all of my work to recover melted away. I was overeating, I was eating outside of hunger, I was stuffing it down. The binging started shortly after and I knew what the problem was. You see, my whole life, in front of my parents, has basically been a lie. I’ve always been told that my feelings were wrong, my choices were wrong, that I was going to burn in hell, you name it, my self confidence was ripped away piece by piece starting at a really early age. In order to cope around them, I’ve binged and hidden my real self. I’ve hidden the writer, the yogi, the soul that craves more. Slowly but surely, with all of my hard work, I was getting back the real me. The one who asserts herself and stands up for what she believes in. The one who does exactly what she wants and cares for herself in a way she never thought possible. And in the blink of an eye, she was gone again.
A light bulb went off. Sure, I had always known that my family is my greatest trigger but I really had no idea of their power. Just a week before, I was given a taste of what real recovery felt like and it was ripped away but I was aware of what was happening. I knew that this wasn’t the real me. I decided that I need some more block clearing and so I listened to my cd. Things got worse before they got better but eventually, the straw that broke the camels back fell and it fell hard.
I was cooking yet another dinner for everyone, just as I had been doing the whole time we were there. I didn’t want to be the designated chef but since I didn’t know how to use my voice with my family, I did it anyway. Slowly but surely, the quality of the food I was producing went to hell in a handbasket because my heart just was not in it. I wanted to be on vacation. I wanted to relax, I did not want to be a short order cook for grown ass adults. Finally, things were going really wrong with dinner on Monday night and my anger flooded me. I slammed the oven door, threw the dish towel in my hand and said I was done. My mother lovingly said “aren’t you going to put butter on the potatoes”, that of course, created even more anger. I said no and stormed out.
My husband drove me to the nearest parking lot and I cried. I screamed, I let it all out. At the end of my tantrum, I knew what I had to do. I went to Food Lion, bought a bottle of wine which was significant because I was always ashamed that I like wine since my father is an alcoholic. I got back to the house, put the wine on the counter and in my strongest voice, I said “I have something to say to you two and it took me a lot of therapy to get here”. They were struck like a deer in headlights and speechless. I poured out my heart and told them that I was not going to pretend to be something I’m not anymore and that I’m not going to walk on eggshells anymore pretending to be the good daughter. I told them that I was tired of being criticized by them and if I am going to be criticized, it might as well be for being myself instead of who they thought I was.
My dad told me that I shouldn’t feel that way as per usual. They were defensive and didn’t like me using my voice. I eventually gave up and walked out. I knew this was the turning point that I needed. I went onto the deck with my husband, cried some more, sipped a little wine and then headed to bed. My stomach was growling because I hadn’t eaten in hours and I made myself the ultimate comfort food – nutella on homemade sourdough bread. I took the food to our bedroom, looked at it hard and threw it in the trash. I went to bed on an empty stomach that night and said “oh well, I guess I will just be good and hungry for breakfast”. I cried myself to sleep and woke up in an emotional fog.
My parents left that day. Not because of what happened, they had already planned to leave that day but I believe that everything happens for a reason and the timing was impeccable. I carried around sadness for a couple of days after that and barely enjoyed my vacation at all. Though it was not relaxing, I’m glad that I went and all of the pieces of my puzzle started to fall into place. I arrived home with a new sense of self and have only spoken to my parents a couple of times. The general mood of our conversations haven’t changed and I can’t say that I really expected them to. They haven’t changed. They are not going to change. They don’t want to do the work. They don’t want to let go of their crutches to see what their legs can do. I am ok with that because I have done the work. I’ve let go of binging and dieting, my two crutches, and I am walking tall and proud.
Since my return, I joined a follow up group to the eating disorders group I participated in during the winter. The group is for binge eaters and compulsive overeaters and the atmosphere is supportive. It is hosted by my RD and she had really been encouraging me to go. She called me yesterday to prepare me for how the group went and for some reason, after talking to her, I knew that the work with my parents wasn’t done. I was in the grocery store when she called and as soon as I got home, I wrote a letter to my parents. A deep, dark letter that laid it all on the line. I’m not sure what I am going to do with the letter, my inkling is to burn it. I’m going to stew on it for a while because frankly, though it is not the intention of the letter, I know it would cause them pain. Despite how I feel, I do love them and I would not want to intentionally hurt them. And maybe, just accepting that my parents are who they are is enough for me.
I’m also not sure if I am going to continue the group. It was a wonderful supportive environment, just the kind of thing I might need as I trudge through the muddy waters of using my voice with my parents. But, on the flip side of the coin, it is very expensive and attending would mean not getting home until 10 or 10:30 at night on work nights. And those who know me know, I am not a night owl. I get up at 5 in the morning and being out that late keeps me wound up and I can’t sleep. I know that the kind of support that I need is there but I don’t know that it in the end it would really be an act of self care.
I’ve got lots of other news but at this point, I need to just meditate on what I have written here and get on with my final day of vacation. I am headed back to work tomorrow after twelve of the most healing days of my life.
Christie.
I’ve been reading your blog for a while and really enjoy your sane approach to eating. Reading about your relationship with your parents made me immediately think of the stressful relationship that I have with MY parents. I too wish that I could have a healthy relationship with them, but over the years, it just hasn’t happened, despite my best attempts. Mine has not been regarding food, but other stuff. But nevertheless, it still causes me pain. And I often attempt to “self-medicate” with food. Thanks for sharing your story. I think we all too often think that we are the only ones who are suffering with family, who should be supportive. Thankfully it seems like you have a supportive husband–yeah for you. Keep up the great work. Know that you are making a difference for YOU!
(((((hugs)))))) my dear friend. I am so glad that you are working through this, even if it means pain in the short term. I think the best thing you wrote for yourself was that they won’t change and the biggest breakthrough is you accepting them for who they are. Sometimes getting toxic people out of our life isn’t possible, so learning to accept them and deflect their toxicity is the best thing we can do for ourselves in the given situation.
Please forgive my horrible sentence structure :)
(((christie))) let me know if you need anything or want to talk – you know I’m here for you. I’m so sorry that things happened that way on your vacation, but I am SO PROUD of you for standing up for yourself and saying what you needed to say. Those steps are always so hard, but you made one of them.
I think it’s GREAT that you finally told your family how you feel. I never had the nerve while my mom was alive. I know she would have been terribly hurt and not understood one word of what I was saying anyway. Since she died, I’ve pushed the envelope a bit with my day, but, as you say, he isn’t going to change, isn’t going to understand, and I don’t really want to hurt him. My dh has been a great sounding board for my venting over the years, God love him.
I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all of this with your family. Wow. It just shows how strong of a person you are – that you stood up for yourself (not easy to do, especially in front of a group of people!) and came back from the trip to get your life back on track. GOOD for you!
I can’t relate to the family situation, but I have had times in my life where my friends did not have my best intentions. They were manipulative, not caring, and sometimes downright mean. I know it isn’t as easy because it’s your family, but I have since cut those “friends” out of my life and I can’t even begin to explain how much happier I am!
Please continue to take care of yourself, and I hope things are looking better for you. :-)
(((((((beadie)))))))
I’m sorry your vacation wasn’t what you intended!! I think you’re very insightful and amazing that you can already analyze what happened–HELL you didn’t even eat the nutella & sourdough immediately after!!! I can’t say that I’d do the same thing. ;) Hope you have a great day before you head back to work!!! :D
I’m in a bit of a rush right now, but I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate and admire your honesty.
Be well and continue the important work.
P.S. I ordered the CDs you recommended on Monday. Can’t wait for them to arrive!!
I too appreciate your honesty. Those types of situations are never easy are they? I have a lot of family issues, and they affected my weight in a negative way for years and years.
I hope things will improve for you. Take care.
I can really relate to things that are going on with you. I have definitely had to work on my relationship with both my parents for different reasons and part of the healing required me to understand that they will not change. I think though that pretending it doesn’t bother you is really damaging to you and at least letting them know is really important for your recovery. I have actually decided to distance myself more from my mom because I realized I needed that. Every situation is different of course. Do what is right for you.
Wow, thank you for sharing that with us.
Among many things you said, “They were defensive and didn’t like me using my voice,” absolutely resonated with me. Good for you for standing up for yourself — I think you handled your situation well considering the emotional toll it was taking on you.
Oh and your husband totally rocks! It must be such a relief having his support.
Parents are a tough situation, even if they’re toxic, they birthed you, and are irreplaceable. My ex-bf/best friend and I talk about this endlessly. He won’t talk to them, and is insistent to not have anything to do with them unless they hear him and understand. I’ve given up, I just try to get along the week or two a year that I see them. It’s hard not to be cruel sometimes, especially to my mom with her super-shitty eating habits after what she did to me, but they’re getting really old, and I just get stressed out if I try to explain. As my dad says, I’m an adult now, regardless of what I went through, I need to fix it myself, and lay off of them. I do see his point, though I can’t help being angry and resentful. As I tell the ex, parents screw up their kids, because their parents screwed them up, and if we bred, we’d do no better. I have a few friends with healthy relationships with their parents, but their parents aren’t so screwed up either. Can’t choose our parents, all we can do is try to undo their damage, and not let them ruin any more of our lives.
Hooray for standing up for yourself! And while it is sad, you may just have to live with the fact that they are unwilling to change, but that doesn’t mean you can’t move forward. Hugs!
I will echo the sentiments of the others and applaud you for your honesty and for making the conscious decision to work through this. I have been thinking of this blog entry since I read it yesterday. I am pondering the notion that maybe the source of a little bit of ALL of our inner conflict comes from not using our voices. You put it into words beautifully.
I guess we have to make some adjustments to the idea of using our voices, but when you think about it, maybe we overeat when we don’t use our voices in our interpersonal relationships? maybe we feel torn in disagreements with others because we are scared to use our voices and say what we really feel? I know that lots of my own struggles relate to not being able to say “no”, either when I am uncomfortable, disinterested, unavailable, unwilling, or just plain against something.
Soly, you nailed it, my friend. I mean nailed it. All of it roots itself into not being able to use our voices. Every single last bit of it.
Wow. I’ve so been there with my family too. I hate explosive confrontations like that but the act of purging all of those emotions is such a relief. I recently had an arguement with a relative that would sound petty to anyone on the outside(adding greek yogurt to tuna! LOL) but the critical tone and words they chose to use put me over the edge. I’m not one to raise my voice but I certainly made myself be heard that night (probably about the same time you were having your experience with your parents!). I credit reading your blog with how I handled myself and my emotions in the aftermath. Although I haven’t purchased the book or cds yet, I’ve been checking myself to see if I’m hungry or emotional. I chose to calmly clean up the kitchen, left the room for a few hours and just allowed myself to cry it out instead of storming out of the house and driving to several fast food places to shovel stuff down my throat. After I’d calmed down a bit, I fixed a light sandwich and watched reruns on hulu. The next day…that person acted like nothing had happened. ugh. Oh well…maybe things were the same for them, but certainly not for me and I’m proud of how I expressed myself and don’t regret it for an instant.
Thank you for sharing your experiences on your blog – it really is helping someone else. I truly hope that things get better with your family.
~amy
you are very, very insightful. it’s amazing how you got yourself back to center. we’re all going to get pulled away by something, sometime.
being around my family can send me back to very old behaviors all-around. i’ll be seeing my sister and her family next month. although i love them all, my sister and her husband aren’t easy for me — they’re perfectionists on all fronts. i regress back to the nasty, sloppy, compulsive eating teenager i was 25 years ago.
thanks for your honest and helpful (!) post. may we all learn to honor our inner yogi, no matter what!
I am so sorry your vacation was ruined and that you had to go through that. I am glad you stood up for yourself. It sounds like you have a very supportive husband who really understands you. I am glad that you have his support and that you are taking care of yourself.
Oh, Christie, I want to give you a great big Internet hug. I know that your vacation was not what you intended, but it is definitely one to be remembered. You should feel so proud of yourself. Also, I’m so glad your husband is so incredibly supportive. You took back control of how you feel when it comes to your parents. You stood up for yourself, for strong, wonderful you. You have realized that you can never make someone change and that the only thing you can do to make things better is change the way you act within the circumstances. I am blown away from your maturity and self-love. Congratulations, dear.
girl, you are so strong.
everytime i read your posts and you connect your emotions to your behavior i kidna want to cheer you on! keep pushing forward, and know that you are brave, strong, and GROWING.
- rebekah
rebekah´s last blog ..allow me to ed-u-macate y’all.