Good morning, bloggies!
This week has been emotionally profound for me and I have been on pins and needles waiting to share with you. I feel as though I have tapped into the energy of my true self and have made so much progress. You are probably curious what has caused such a great shift in my life and I want to tell you all of the details. I’ve mentioned before that I am a member of an intuitive eating message board that I post on regularly. Last week, I was feeling kind of bored and started reading around on threads that had never felt interesting to me before. I stumbled on one about hypnosis as a healing tool, a topic I have never been open to before. In the past, I always viewed hypnosis as one of those hokey things that people like me just didn’t do. Once I started to read the messages people were writing about the hypnosis work of Jennifer Polle, I decided that it couldn’t hurt. I went to her website and based on her suggestions, I bought the Clearing Emotional Blocks CD. A couple of days later, my cd arrived and I was really excited to listen.
Jennifer’s voice is soothing and very reassuring and her words are compassionate and understanding. I am surprised to say that even after listening to the cd once, I felt a shift inside of me. I continued listening each day and as the days passed, I felt lighter, stronger, happier and more contented. A curious thing was happening, though. I was waking up in the middle of the night feeling very angry for “no reason”. My guess is that my mind was processing all of the anger that I carry around but the anger was not presenting itself during the day. A couple of days passed, the anger stopped and the feelings of contentment heightened. On Saturday, Meg came for a quick visit and we started talking about the topic of friendship. For some reason, though Meg and I had never met in person before, the words flowed from my heart and I felt compelled to tell her my truest and deepest feelings about the subject.
All the while, I was processing feelings that I did not know I had. To say that I have struggled in the friendship department would be the understatement of the year. I’ve always wondered why I had such a hard time making friends and keeping them. I seem to have a ton of “surface” friendships, you know the kind where all you do is have small talk, go to the mall, email occasionally and write on each other’s facebook walls? I have lots of those. I also seem to attract people that need a dumping ground for their woes but don’t offer the same support in return. I have people in my life that I want to have deeper friendships with but for whatever reason, it seems that the feelings are not mutual. And sadly, I even have a tendency to attract people that want to use me, take advantage of me and ultimately hurt me. I’ve been hurt so many times. I’ve worn my heart on my sleeve only to have it ripped off and stepped on. All of this has left me with the sad reality that in this life, I don’t have very many true friends.
I have known my best friend for a number of years and we “clicked” right away. We know everything about each other, down to the very bones of our skeletons. We’ve had hard times, been through each others happiest and saddest moments, cried, laughed, drank wine, kicked, thrown things. I even bathed and cooked for her when she had surgery and could not move, let alone walk. When we talk, we speak to each others souls and nothing less will do. I also have my husband, who though is a different kind of friend, is the greatest husband anyone could ask for. He loves me for everything that I am. He has supported me through some of the hardest times in my life and I wouldn’t want to exist without him. Because of him, I am free to be myself, whoever that is and live life to the fullest. He makes me feel safe and allows me to express my inner most thoughts. I have a couple of other friends that I have had for years and I feel certain I will remain friends with them the rest of my life. The friendships are not as intense as the one I have with my best friend or with my husband but I value them just the same. I know that when I need them, they will be there for me.
I’ve come to understand that those are the kind of relationships I want in my life and they bring new meaning to the words quality over quantity. I want to be in the kind of relationships that are two way streets. I want to feel the balance of the ebb and flow that is neediness. I want to be there when no one else is and I want the same in return. I no longer want to spend my energy on relationships that are not fulfilling. I’ve always thought something was wrong with me that I was unable to have a ton of friends and now, I see that nothing is wrong with me. I just want more for myself. I’m willing to go there, to be open, to lay it all on the line. Others are not and for them, that is OK but for me, I need more. I often times feel lonely because I lack the type of connection that I desire with the people in my life. But the reason I feel lonely is because I’m giving my energy away instead of investing in the people that really matter to me. I’m giving it to people that don’t want the piece of my heart that I put before them. I’m not doing that anymore. Take my heart and give me some of yours or nothing. That is it and that is my bottom line; I’m not going to settle anymore. I know that may sound harsh and egotistical but it is the way I feel. I’m tired of feeling lonely while surrounded by people. I do hope that I will have more great friendships in my life, the kind that stand the test of time but even if I don’t, I’m happy knowing that I do have people by my side that want the same things. The kind of people that love me just as much I love them and if they don’t want the same, it is their loss and not mine.
While I was having this profound shift in my feelings about friendship, I also started to notice that my relationship with food was changing without much effort. I have begun to eat only when hungry and full is no longer an elusive mystery. My nighttime eating has vanished and food has started to lose it’s appeal. I no longer feel emotionally attached to food and it just isn’t the struggle that is once was. It feels kind of strange to be in this place, actually. I feel free to express my feelings and live my life to the fullest. I don’t want to mask it with overeating and abusive self talk. I want to feel it and be the person that I am. I feel confident in my bodies ability to lead me to the right foods for me and to tell me what it needs. I’m not angry at my body for being overweight and I feel sure that I will get to the weight that is right for me.
If you are still reading this, thanks for sticking it out. I hope that this is just the beginning of an amazing journey for me and that I will be able to continue sharing it with all of you.
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I’m so happy to read this. You are an amazing person!
I felt very emotional reading this. I can relate to the friendship part, its an issue for me as well. I definitely believe in quailty over quantity when it comes to friends.
You have come so far, both with the food and really listening to and processing the mind stuff. So awesome I have always been skeptical of hypnosis myself but a friend of mine swears by it. She had private sessions with a hypnotherapist (for both weight loss and other issues) and really felt it helped her.
Oh Christie!! ((hugs))
I got emotional reading this too! Especially this section got to me:
“But the reason I feel lonely is because I’m giving my energy away instead of investing in the people that really matter to me. I’m giving it to people that don’t want the piece of my heart that I put before them. I’m not doing that anymore. Take my heart and give me some of yours or nothing.”
I’m so happy for you with all these good changes! I know you’ve struggled with the night-time eating for so long, it’s wonderful to be over the hump without much effort! I’m only on day 3 of the cd’s and I can’t wait to get the one about intuitive eating.
Thanks for your sweet comments, I must admit I was a bit nervous about putting all of this “out there” but decided that I am going to live out loud and just do the damn thing.
I found your blog recently and I’m so glad I did because I really loved this post.
I can relate to you on the friend issue, I’ve always wanted to be more social and have lots of friends but have never been able to maintain friendships that were just “outside friendships.” They just felt meaningless after a while and I couldn’t keep up the effort – because in the end it just felt so fake. I’m still coming to terms with “quality over quantity” because I do believe that to be true, but it’s hard to shake the old feelings.
It’s really great to hear that you are doing so well with overcoming emotional eating – this is a HUGE feat
Christie, it was lovely to read your “from the heart” post. I can relate to a lot of what you said – I think a lot of women are craving a depth in their friendships that can seem elusive. I’m also someone who prefers a few quality friendships to a large quantity of “acquaintances” (though they can be fun, in a different way). I’ve often noticed that when I’m together with women that I really click with, we very quickly dive through the surface-y stuff and move down into talking about emotions and relationships. I’m honored to hear that the Clearing Emotional Blocks meditation CD has been helpful. Thank you so much for sharing and keep me posted on how things are going for you. P.S. I love what you say about “living out loud” in your comment above. One of my favorite quotes is by Emile Zola: “If you asked me what I came to this world to do, I will tell you that I came to live out loud”.
Wow. I appreciate so much how vulnerable you have been…especially in this post. I’ve thought about hypnosis but have always been afraid of it – having been taught/told that it was witchcraft or that there might be subliminal messages. I’m still not 100% sure about it but am definitely going to look into it further for myself.
I am also frustrated with ’superficial friendships’. I have many friends whom I’ve been very close to in the past, but for whatever reason, our friendship shifts and it becomes superficial rather that something that is deep or fulfilling. I guess that’s not bad. But I do desire to have several more meaningful friendships than I currently have. There’s so much to be said about connecting with someone and knowing that you don’t have to justify your feelings to them because they just get you – they understand where you come from and why you are the way you are.
Thanks again
Thank you for this wonderful entry. It really spoke to my heart. I’ve been thinking about getting the hypnosis CD, but am hesitant as well. When I first read about it, I said “I can only imagine what my parents would say about this!”. Also, my hubby even fusses when I read in bed before bedtime, so I’m not sure what he’ll have to say about having headphones in bed! After reading this, though, I’m thinking really hard about trying this.
I’m so glad that this worked so well for you. I can really identify with what you have to say about friendships. I have few real friends and other than that, they are incredibly close acquaintances or surface friendships. Sometimes it makes me sad, but I just can’t allow myself to have unfulfilling relationships.
I don’t think you’re being harsh now in any way. I think it’s a beautiful example of self-love. You are getting your needs met and not wasting precious energy on those who do not deserve it. I’m sure it makes you a better and more genuine friend as well. *Hugs*
What a fantastic post. I`m so happy for you. I could have written the same thing about the type of relationships I have and how they make me feel. Wow. Just so ridiculously similar to me. It`s great to see that you are feeling good.
Christie, this is awesome. I’m so happy for you! I can’t wait to see what’s next on this journey
Amy Jo and Chavonne – hi to you both! : ) Actually, these therapeutic hypnosis CDs could just as easily be called “meditation”, “guided relaxation” or “affirmation” CDs. It’s just music in the background, with my voice making suggestions about how to feel more relaxed and comfortable. while giving your mind positive suggestions about healing, emotionally and physically. I’m not sure where the idea that hypnosis is “witchcraft” or scary in some way comes from – really, that’s just myth and misinformation. I judge any sort of therapy by it’s fruits – if the outcome is more health and healing, in a way that is affirming and encouraging, and doesn’t do any harm, then I see it as a tool to take advantage of. We’re all born with the ability to train ourselves to relax..and when we’re relaxed, our subconscious becomes a lot more open to positive suggestions. I’m a minister’s daughter (my parents both listen to my CDs!)
with a degree in Theology and my intent is always to help others heal themselves. Hope that helps! I should put something on my website about this – I think that it’s not uncommon for people to have the concerns you have, so I appreciated hearing your thoughts on it. All the best!
Jennifer
Thanks for this, Jennifer! After reading this entry, I talked to my hubby about buying it and he thought it was cool. So, I’ll probably be getting this soon; he’s interested in it as well. I don’t see hypnosis as witchcraft, but am new to the whole idea. (As an aside, my parents are always thinking I’m doing “hippy-dippy” stuff–yoga and therapy are too much for them!).
No problem, Chavonne! I think with all therapies, it’s about timing and finding what feels comfortable to you. I’m partial to hypnosis, but there are many helpful tools out there. Here’s a helpful link to some info on hypnosis from the Mayo Clinic: http://mayoclinic.com/health/hypnosis/SA00084. All the best to you and your hubby!
interesting….when i did hypnosis a few years ago i started re-analyzing a lot of my friendships as well….
Jennifer,
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and shed some light on the matter. I will definitely check out your material!
~amy
Jennifer – Wow. I just checked page one of your website and it says you live in New Mexico. I’m from New Mexico…most recently Raton, but prior to that I lived in Albuquerque and worked in Santa Fe. I also grew up in Hobbs and Lovington.
Red or green?
Hey Amy Jo; Definitely green!
I was married recently and have moved down to Socorro, but spent a lot of time living just south of ABQ and in the mountains to the east. Take care!
This is such an awesome post that made me so happy and thrilled to hear your improvements and progress! I have never really experienced hypnosis, but whether it is because of that or not, you should be proud of all the accomplishments you’ve made! Take things one step at a time, one day at a time, and you’ll get there!
Wow, Christie — that’s fabulous! I too have struggled mightily in making close friends. I have many, many acquaintances, but there hasn’t been anyone in years who has known the real me. I don’t really even think my husband knows the real, true me. I often have wondered what is wrong with me that I find it so difficult. Most of the time I’m so wrapped up with my family that it doesn’t matter, but I worry about what will happen when my kids are grown.
I have several meditation CDs and find them very helpful to bring peace to me, though I usually end up falling asleep while listening.
WOW Christie…that sounds like an amazing experience. I’m so happy the hypnosis/meditation has worked thus far. I appreciate you sharing about your friendships. You are a beautiful woman and such a gift to those who know you. I love what you said about your hus as well.
Love to you!
Thanks for this post. Truly.
I’ll be ordering the CDs in, like, …a minute.
P.S. You’ll be seeing your blog name in lights on my blog tomorrow or the day after.