My Brother's Song

I hope that you will continue to read this post even after I tell you that it isn’t about food, exercise or yoga. Yesterday was the hardest day I have ever lived except the day that I found out my younger brother had passed. What started out as a blessing turned into a fight with ED. My brother came to me in a dream just before it was time for me to wake up. He was helping me with something, what, I no longer really remember. I woke up from the dream, looked at the clock and realized that if I skipped my am workout, I could maybe, just possibly have a few more moments with my brother.

For the next hour, I laid there, tossing and turning and not going back to a place that my brother is alive and well. I forced myself out of bed and went through the motions of my day. At work, I was ravaged with emotion. Work things were crazy as well as my heart was aching. I longed to talk to my mother, I knew she would understand. I emailed with my friends, I even reached out to my new group friends. I just wanted my pain to stop. I wanted ED to stop telling me that chocolate would fix it all, that stuffing it down would make it feel better.

After a painful and not very productive day, I left work and called my mom. I told her about the dream and she told me that she thinks it is good that we dream of him. With that, we tunred to our favorite subject, food. I guess it is just hard for us to talk about the most painful part of our life. Though, Ithink this converstation was a step in the right direction.

Moments after we hung up the phone, the song I refer to as “my brothers song” came on the radio. The name of the song is “I can only imagine” by Mercy Me and it was sang at my brothers funeral. I will never listen to that song without thinking of him and weeping. This time, I was sitting at a red light and I closed my eyes. The tears came gushing out. I was bawling, I didn’t regard the others sitting in traffic around me, I just cried. Then, it dawned on me that I had to drive, I had to be alert for the light to turn green. I just wanted to be in the parking lot of my destiation only few hundred feet  away.  I sang the lirics with all of my heart and finally, when my parking spot arrived, I closed my eyes and tears began to flow even more freely.

The song came to an end and I knew that my brother was with me. He wanted me to know that he stands by me and is proud of me and the steps that I am taking in my life. I walked into Ukrops to meet my dear husband feeling so overwhelmed by emotion that I had that floating feeling that means a binge is just around the corner. I approached the salad bar and the first thing I saw was banana pudding. It was my brother again, he was reminding me that he was there. I was repeating to my self over and over ED is knocking but I won’t let him in.

I filled a very large salad container with all the things I love but never “allow” myself to eat in larger quatities than a bite or two. I filled the whole container and I remember wondering what the cashier was thinking when I took all of that food up there. I sat down at a table and once the dear husband arrived, I started to eat. ED was knocking so loud and I finally let him in. I reminded myself that through this recovery process, sometimes I will still need ED. Leaning on ED doesn’t mean that I won’t one day heal from this. It doesn’t make me bad.

Once there was not more food to eat, I stopped. I felt stuffed to the gills. I wanted to vomit. Alas, I had to go to group therapy. I think the binge was the only thing that got me there, really. I’m glad I went because it was good to be in a room of people that understood what it feels like to be so overcome that food is the only answer.

I came home and listened to my brothers song and cried until there were no more tears to cry. I know he is in my heart and hopefully he will come back and visit me in my dreams again soon. Until then, I hope he knows I’m doing the best that I can and that I miss him so much.

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